The One Where I just paste random links and call it a post

here we go now do-si-do now curtains up the show must go now

Some people can write about how they dislike their shoes, and it still makes for fascinating reading. Fascinating enough for some other people to go ":) I added her onto my reader".

So, hey there random reader from 2011, here's some obscure (in the digg / meme sense of the word) shit I shared on my google reader back in early 2009.

A fairly popular one was this incredibly creative use of graphjam on indian film lyrics. Check out Rajesh Khanna's algorithm of life. Speaking of Rajesh Khanna, someone recently made me watch, which is to say, he pasted it in my gtalk chat window, an atrocious video where Mr Khanna rubs some lotion or something on a skimpyly clad young lass who did not undergo classes on dialogue delivery. Anyhow, I wonder, did that stupid video acquire viral proportions? Did you, random reader from 2011, come across that video?

Read on if the 3 worst days for Anurag Kashyap's assistants on Dev D is something that interests you. Or read the description of a curious little prank that caused the Czech ambassador to be summoned to Bulgaria. It would be interesting to read the FML entry of the one who was at fault here.

I'm that irritating guy who points out grammatical mistakes where he finds it. The fact that I make tons of it myself notwithstanding. So, if you find that sort of shit interesting, then, you know, revert back to me.

One thoroughly recommended blog is this guy's. And if fundae is what you enjoy, as I do, then start with this one, which I regurgitated at any occasion I could fit it to at that time.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but its already 2 am, and I have to get up in the morning and go be a lowly corporate cog. And I've only reached till February in my Google Reader. So the rest of this lazy post will have to wait.

ring-around-the-rosie the shows over you can all go home now

What The Doorman Said

Life Decisions.
There's no way the decision wont affect your whole life; its what its called.

How does one go about taking a big decision? Weighing the pros and cons, deliberating, discussing, and if you're neurotic, then a little bit of hyperventilating, and then doing what you always do - going by the instinct of that moment.

"If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot that you don't."

These words from Fight Club have never before rung so true to me. So how does one take Life Decisions when one doesn't know for sure what one wants?

For, what I want now and what I want some time later are two separate things. For, sometimes, in the night, I think I want something, and I act on it and I regret it in the morning. So how do I take life decisions based on what I want when once I get it I might realize I don't want it anymore?

Sometimes I get upset, cause I ain't blew up yet
It's like I grew up, but I ain't grow me two nuts yet
Don't gotta rep my step, don't got enough pep
The pressure's too much man, I'm just tryin to do what's best
And I try, sit alone and I cry
Yo I won't tell no lie, not a moment goes by
That I don't pray to the sky, please I'm beggin you God
Please don't let me be pigeon holed in no regular job


A life lived with movies, books, music, writing, consumption and production of creative output; and voluntary solitude. Or a life spent following a template considered sacrosanct by all and sundry. The choice should have been obvious. The decision a non-decision. The path, natural.

You think I don't know you Alexander? I can look inside your memories, Your nightmares, your dreams. You're a man haunted by those two most terrible words, What If?

In the only life I have, why do I choose to choose security over the call of the conscience? Diffidence is a motherfucker.

How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on – hit me, before I lose my nerve.

Hit Me. Before I lose my nerve.



---------------


And in true tradition of the unread ranting blogger who updates his blog once in several months, but each time feels that this time he will be more regular. You know, the ones who have this as their last post on their blog, 3 months after their second last post - "I guess I have ignored this blog for long. But I will post more regularly from now on". Mr. "Its for my sake; I dont care about anyone reading it. " Yeah, so in true tradition of that ilk, I'll be making the following future posts -

Revival with Relapse - Marshall Mathers. Eminem. Slim Shady. Relapse. What it meant.
Dear Louise - To the random reader of my posts in 2011 (hah) who decides to do some back reading. This sorry excuse for a blog is for you.
A crush in the blogosphere. What are the mechanics of putting blade on a girl you've never seen, but are in love with the writing of whom. My English teachers will not be proud of me.

Bed, Banter and Beyond 'Its a self-preservation thing, you see'

INT. JD's bedroom. He's sitting, staring into his laptop. A stares at him.

A: Well?
J: (beat) well ... what?
A: Well, sir?
J: huh??
A: Well, what are you waiting for?
J: Waiting? ... nothing ... I'm not waiting
A: Look, its been 4 days since you finally told her how you felt. Now you're in different cities, and in the time that you've been staring at that chat window, you could have taken a flight to her city, hopped in a cab to her place, and looked as idiotic while staring this way at her door
J : What's your point? I ... should say something?
A: Yess!
J: (determined) I SHOULD say something
A: Yes
J: (pause) (confused) what do i say?
A: what do you think?
J: i dont knooow ... wait, Ok, I got it
A: Excellent
J: I'll say, ...'Hey'
A: (looks expectantly)
J: What do you think?
A: 'hey'?
J: Yeah
A: er... its a good start
J: Isnt it? ... Its simple. Its casual. Its a classic.
A: (beat) True ... true ... what next?
J: Next?
A: You know after ... 'hey'
J: Well ... then she'll say 'hey'
A: yes she would
J: yes she would
A: thats what I said
J: yes ... but, she would say 'hey', wouldnt she?
A: probably
J: you mean she may not?
A: she probably will
J: so she might not? oh my god, you dont think she'll reply?
A: i didnt say that
J: so she'll say 'hey' right?
A: probably
J: aargh
A: ok, so what next?
J: next?
A: yeah, you know, you say 'hey', then she says 'hey'...
J: probably
A: yeah ... then what do you say?
J: maybe i can ask her what she's doing
A: sure ... ask her what's up
J: yeah ... and i'll make it casual too ... you know, like i'm just casually asking, making her feel relaxed, no pressure, its cool, i'll just say ... 'sup'
A: (pause) oh you're good...
J: yeah ... heh ...well ... so... that's it then ... i'll say 'hey', she'll say, 'hey', then i'll say ... 'sup' ... and then the ball's in her court ... then we'll just talk about, you know, whatever she says is up with her ...
A: what if she says 'nothing much'?
J: huh?
A: you say, 'sup', she says 'nothing much', or the casual 'nm' ...
J: (long pause) ... man! what if she says nothing much ... that thing is back in my court...
A: the ball?
J: (hyperventilating) what ball ... what do i say if she says 'nm' ... i will have nothing to say ... and then she'll not say anything ... and then i wouldn't know what to do ... it'll be a race against time to say something ... and soon enough GTalk will inform me that the last words were spoken 2 minutes ago ... why does it have to do that ... i mean i know when I typed something last ... and once that 2 minute thing pops up, its too late to continue the conversation ... it'll just look forced, artificial ... oh my god!
A: calm down... what did you use to say in all your previous chats?
J: yeah... i should check
A: you always used to come up with something ...
J: that she slided away, brushed off or ignored
A: yeah, but still...
J: its different now ... now she's doing it with the knowledge of what it does to me

Suddenly, J feels the unexplicable, totally unrelated, no-logic-to-it urge to google the phrase "per capita income of the backward tribes of maharashtra" + "Rele" ... and he spends the next two hours laughing like an idiot over quotes from Golmaal.

2 hours pass. she's offline.

A: what did you really want to say?
J: "I miss you"

End stupid scene.

They talk about hate, scorn, pity and all the rest
When its simple old indifference that hurts the best
To ask with begging eyes for what you always before had
Is there a predicament that can be labelled as more sad ?

- Author unknown

Beyond - genderanalyzer.com tells me, that there is 57% probability that this blog is written by a woman. Trouble is, even I think the number should have been higher.

Revolutionary Road: Anal-ysis

23.02.09 1.34 AM

A few weeks ago, I saw No Smoking, and I thought it was one of the best hindi movies i had seen for a long time. There was a lot I wanted to write about the philosophy and psychology of that film, about how I interpreted it, and the mood it created for me, and the nuances in its construction that I thought I was special to have observed, and the metaphors I thought it speaked through. I postponed the writing of all that, and in the end I did not write it at all. Today, I would be hard pressed to be able to explain what I found so brilliant about the film, other than a few comparisons with David Lynch films and the dream vs reality motif of the film.

I just saw Sam Mendes' Revolutionary Road and though I dont think myself capable enough to be able to express its brilliance, I would do a worse job of it if I tried it any later.

In fact, 'brilliance' of a movie or any other art piece, I think, is an incorrect phrasing to use. The phrasing that should be used instead, is that the movie spoke brilliantly to my aesthetic sensibilities. Well, you could put it in a less anal retentive way as that I liked the movie a lot. It is futile to call a movie in absolutes of either being brilliant or pathetic, because the nature of such superlatives changes from person to person. There is never a consensus on what is truly a good or a bad movie. And which movie is better than the other, unless appended by a person's own aesthetic opinion. There will be people who would find 'No Entry' to be superior to 'Shawshank Redemption', no matter how utterly blasphemous i find it to even write in a sentence about.

Back to the topic, 'Revolutionary Road', to me is a more important film than it would let on. It talks about issues that are the most fundamental, at least to me. The question it raised for me was - Can two people really perfectly co-exist with each other? If every creature is at the end of the day a creature motivated by his ego more than anything else, then can he really co-exist, because sooner or later an ego battle will surface. There is no way of that not happening. Another question was also based on the fundamental feeling in each individual that he is in some way special, that he's not like the rest of the boring masses who have resigned to their fate and will while away the time till no more time is left. What happens when someone tries to test out this theory?

Frank and April seemed to be an ideal couple. He was handsome and charming, she was beautiful and spontaneous. They met, fell in love and got married. She wanted to be an actress, he did not know what he wanted, but took each day as it came. Her acting career did not take off, he did not sound too supportive. They said mean things about each other. Things, said obviously to just hurt the other person as mercilessly as possible. Because when that slinging match starts, your ego wins only if both parties concur that you were able to hurt the other person more than he hurt you. And you forget that you did not sleep nights because you were too enamored thinking about her; or that you did not ever feel more warm and secure than the time you snuggled in his arms. All that matters is in this moment you must say the vilest, most hurtful, most damaging, most merciless thing that will make them pay for the pain that you perceive was caused to you because of them. Frank and April did the same. Multiple number of times, too. They fought, they cursed, they screamed to hurt, they poured out malevolence of the degree that you reserve only for those who you have loved, and hence given a part of yourself to. But, soon after they were back to their normal position. They aplogised, they kissed and made up. And they spoke with all their heart, "I love you". I dont think I could do it. If I fought with someone that way, if I spoke with the intention of hurting, and was spoken at with the same intention, I dont think I could ever go back to being 'normal'. But thats just me.

Frank and April. April suggests they should leave this dead end life and just go to Paris. After some wanderlust themed conversation, cursing the mundane spirit crushing empty hollow nature of everyone's life, Frank agrees. Maybe he was just guilty about having cheated on April, and wanted to make it up by agreeing or maybe he did buy into it, but anyways the die was cast and preparations began. So did the incessant conversations with friends and colleagues. Are they crazy? Is it unrealistic? Immature? Naive? John the 'retarded' Ph.D son of their landlords was the only one who got them. He understood what they meant by the hopeless emptiness of their lives. He says plenty of people are on to the emptiness, but it takes guts to see the hopelessness. His parents are scandalised. "Are we crazy", Frank asks. "If being crazy means living life as if it matters, then I dont mind being completely insane" replies April. They kiss.

Frank takes it easy on his job, and is surprisingly rewarded. Now he'll get paid a lot more to do the work he hates. Suddenly, life here seems more comfortable, and the opportunity cost of leaving everything and moving is a lot more.

To a mathematician, the problem was this - Earlier, I was risking Rs 10 and there was a probability x, that I will get Rs 100, and a probability 1-x that I'll be left with only Rs 2. Now, I am risking Rs 40, with a 100 or 2 payoff with the same probability. So, my decision should hinge on whether I feel x is still sufficiently large or not.

But Frank is no mathematician. He sees the situation like this. At first, impulsively, "I cheated on her. And she'll be working and I'll get to do what I want. So, yeah, why not." But as the time actually comes to do stuff, to quit a job and a steady source of income, which has recently been increased and he can now finally be considered as more than before in the eyes of the people he worked with - "Wait a second, I haven't really had the chance to think about it properly. It is what she wants to do, and who knows what she'll want later. When I said I loved Paris, I was just making conversation. How can she be thinking about aborting the baby. She did not tell me about it. God knows what other things she did not tell me about. Its uncertain, and if it were the right thing, I'd have felt it. I dont have the right kind of feeling about it." So, Frank says let me see if I can even influence it. I may still decide to go, let me test how much in control I really am. He tries. April, obviously, was already scared enough having put herself out there with the idea, and cannot take more of this resistance. Only one person's ego can win. The battle begins. "I hate you so much" "I care about you so less that you are not worth the effort it will take for me to hit you" "Leave me alone" "Get the fuck out of MY house" and so on.

The thing is she was back in their home and they had the most wonderfully cold, air-pregnant-with-temporary-forced-reconciliation breakfast together, where to shatter all illusions of being special in any minutest of ways, he explains to her the workings of vacuum tube based computers. "Its interesting", she says. "Yeah, I guess, it is interesting in a way", he replies. They kiss. He leaves for work. i think she will just leave. Leave her kids, leave her friends and her life, and just quit everything cold turkey. And maybe she planned to. But what she did was try to self-abort her unborn. And in the process, killed herself. "She did it to herself", wailed Frank. I'm not sure.

Frank moves on to caring for the kids. Their landlords discuss them, as the husband turns down the volume on his hearing aid to avoid listening to the ramblings of his wife of 50 yrs. Can humans really co-exist?

------------------------------------------

Isn' it better that they live alone, just do their own thing, not having to subject themselves to any other person's ego. Have sex with whoever will have sex with them. Just do what they like at other times. But that damn illusion of 'spiritual' love. What to do of it?

I don't know dude.

The IWMFS Condition

22.02.09 1.52 AM

The IWMFS Condition

"I cried because I had no shoes, till I saw a man who had no feet"

I'm not usually a fan of corny quotes, but this one has made me pause and think from time to time.

Many, I wanna say most, of us are blessed with consistently good health, loving families who are also healthy, and reasonably good food, clothing, shelter, and yes, shoes. But we all cry for our metaphorical shoes all the while knowing fully well that millions around us are living their lives without their metaphorical feet.

The problem is that we are surrounded by people who seem to have their shoes on. And we are tired of being around shoe wearing snobbish, smug bastards who refuse to treat us the way we want to be treated. And this is also when the karmic connundrum bothers us, and we scream - "I hate the fact that the people who have been mean to me and who are generally horrible excuses for human beings get shoes while i have to walk bare feet when I have been nothing but caring for my fellow beings. Why do i get this lot when I have been nothing but upright? I don't care if people nicer than me don't have feet, I want my fucking shoes."

And that, ladies and germs, is The IWMFS condition.

Candy

"The only clear thought I had as a kid was, 'Get candy. Get candy get candy get candy get candy get candy.' Family, friends, school they were just obstacles in the way of Getting. More. Candy!"

- Jerry Seinfeld

There exists a grown up version of 'Candy'. Its basically anything which is the end objective of all endeavours. It is something you'd want to do / have, even on the last day before you die. Something that can give you pleasure and peace no matter what the other circumstances in your life. For some, like MAS, for example, it could be reading books. For others it could be listening to music, and not like every other dufus and dufee who say "Oh, i love listening to music" coz they dont have any goddamn passion. I'm talking about true music lovers who'd discern the slightest finesses in instrumentation and would live and die for that stuff. Like Tom Farrell. For others' still, it could just be being around the ones they love. Travel, Photography, Making Films, writing, whatever. Just anything that gives you fire, that you wont mind doing even if you have just 5 more minutes to live.

One's got to find his 'candy'. Because if you do, then you can tolerate the rest of the bullshit of the world. Because life can be one bull crap of a moment after another. The crap doesn't stop, but you can take it if there is candy at the end of it.

"Family, friends, school they were just obstacles in the way of Getting. More. Candy!"

Job shit, Relationship troubles, other pains in the asses are just obstacles to reach the candy. They are necessary evils.

Gotta find yo' candy.

Not that there is nothing in life but candy. But your other pleasures would always be lesser than the pleasure you get out of candy. Candy is what you go through other stuff for.


"So when the first time you hear the concept of Halloween as a kid, your brain can't even process the idea. What is this, what did you say? Someone is giving out candy? Who is giving out candy?
EVERYONE WE KNOW IS JUST GIVING OUT CANDY?!"

Yeah ... maybe the analogy only stretches so far ... maybe not even that much.

I don't know dude.

Random Writing - Shit seen in the past few days

21.02.09 3.07 AM

I write for myself.

[Arriving somewhere but not here - porcupine Tree]

I just realize that I have forgotten whether, while appending the current song, I used to write the artist's name first or the song's title.

I saw a lot of stuff these past few days, and I am here to write about it. Why? I don't know dude. I just felt at sometime that it would be a waste if i did not carry forward something from all this superb-stuff-watching. And, apparently, you cant carry forward shit unless you write about it. So, here be me. Oh shoot! the coke bottle is almost empty.

Shit seen in the past few days -

Scrubs Seasons 1-8, except season 5. Why not S5? Well, for S1-7 it was all repeat viewing, and S5 just seemed too recently viewed. What to say, it was more or less consistently funny, often brilliant. Dr Cox's rants, Kelso's quips and JD's expressions. Killer stuff. Elliot with the 'fricks', Janitor with his tricks. (That was saaaad, man ... I know)

So, what to take forward. Maybe the ability to rant like Dr Cox. For one time be able to smash the perfect rant to an annoying colleague. To be able to emphatically say to someone sitting next to you, when an annoying collegaue arrives, "Say, (name) did you order any of the pain in the ass?" (the friend should dutifully shake his head at this time) "We didn't order any of the pain in the ass." You know, something like that. Nothing re-he-he-he-he-ally fancy. Maybe to be able to convincingly call a junior Nancy or Sally or Stephanie. And of course the answer to everything that comes up that you don't care about - "Hey, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?" (Point to yourself with both thumbs, don't forget that. That's the all important part.)

[Khwaja mere khwaja - AR Rahman]

I saw 3 of the oscar nominations of this year.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Slow start, picked up progressively as Brad Pitt started to look better. (Duuuude... wth) People said this to me and even I felt it that somewhere it was too Forrest Gump-ish. The coincidences and the sailing thing; the traveling the world business and the deliberately down to earth narration. Have precious little to offer as a review, don't know how film critics gas about all this stuff. The philosophical track at the end was suitably mellow. Decent flick.

[Cindy - Tammany Hall]

The Reader - I was initially put off by the british accents and the colours and the pace. But soon came the seduction and I was hooked. Sure, the boy was underaged and maybe it was morally horrible on Hannah Scmitz' part, but still, a titillating watch. And what is with Hollywood and male frontal nudity this year? Saw 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' a few days ago, crap movie, in the end, but unapologetic nudity. Anyhow, 'The Reader' had its moments in the debates on the guilt of the guards at Auschwitz and the inner struggle of Michael, played poorly by Ralph Fiennes. No sympathies really for him, even after he sent countless tapes for Hannah to listen to. Overall, decent flick. No great climax, though.

[O Saya - AR Rahman]

Frost / Nixon - Ron Howard is a genius. He built up this political interview movie like a sports movie. Throughout. Did not break the sports movie character for a moment. It was a boxing match between the rookie Frost and the heavyweight Nixon. And when Frost was not able to pin Nixon when discussing Vietnam and Cambodia, which can be seen to be the home turf for the underdogs, the climax would come when he will then beat him at his own ground. Of course, Frost was a character full of flaws. He was lazy, unprepared, insincere and more a performer than a journalist, but Nixon gave him one shot by setting things rolling with a candid phone call and Frost took the ball past the whatever line in Rugby you take the ball past over.

[Man Mohana - AR Rahman]

Frost / Nixon, thus does become my choice for winning the Oscar this time around, and Ron Howard for director. I do fear that the stupid hype that will be created in India if Slumdog were to win the Oscar would be unbearable.

How will this end?

I live on the second floor of a building. Right above the third floor, there is the terrace. Its a beautiful terrace; wide, spacious and kisses the sky. Its only a small flight of stairs and I can be there; except that I can't. A locked door stops me, and requested as I have, the building society's caretakers just wont have the door open. Its a strange feeling, standing at that door. The terrace is right there, I can see it, but I can't get to it.

With that terrace though, I can get to it if I take a circumvented route, and go down two flights of stairs, then climb three more flights of stairs from the other wing of the building. I can reach it and enjoy the terrace. Its not the same obviously as having it right there, and I never really go to it, but at least I know that I can if I want to.

But there are other 'terraces' which don't have that other open door. There is just one door, and its locked, and it wont ever be opened. And I know that it would never be opened. Yet I stand near it, looking over at the vista that could have been.

I'm sorry but I meant to say

Many things along the way

This one's for you

Have I told you I ache?

Have I told you I ache?

Have I told you I ache

For you?

Incurvatus in se

For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. - Romans 7:18, 19

story of my life, told, what, 2000 years ago?

"Incurvatus in se (Latin: turned/curved inward on oneself) is a theological phrase describing a life lived "inward" for self rather than "outward" for God and others."

A life lived for self rather than for God and others.
Apply criteria stringent enough, and whose life does this statement not describe?

my ambitions for my life are completely selfish. from so many of the fantasized futures that i envision for it, one of the most preferred ones is a life lived in solitudinal travel, making money through a laptop, internet connection and some acquired skill, and spending the lot of leisure time i will be hopefully left with, in pursuits such as books, movies, music, writing, learning and pursuing perfection of new sports and musical instruments. selfishness. utter and absolute.

keep a beggar or anyone underpriveleged in front of me, and that would be all i can think of. remove him from in front of my eyes, and it would be as if he never existed. when in their presence, i think of how can people spend hundreds of million dollars on a canvas with some colours on it, when millions of other people struggle to sleep each day because they do not have food to feed themselves or a roof to provide for their children. how can i think of spending thousands of rupees on a vacation, which would provide me with, what, a week of unadultered leisure and a few new experiences, when that money could have saved someone from commiting suicide.

but think is all i do, and that too, seldom. perhaps thats one more reason i want a life of solitude. to try and convince myself that that world out there no longer exists. i sit in the dark, and write this and am unable to see anything past the light from my laptop, and unable to hear anything other than the mellow music in my ears, and it is as if nothing other than this exists. the solitudinal life will be a feeble attempt to trick my conscience away from the moral responsibility to do something for the underpriveleged, when i am in a position of privilege. hand me a lavish meal and i wont be able to gulp it down if a famished guy is in my radar. my incredible ability to be myopic is both surprising and the reason i live in sanity.

sanity sucks, says Rahul Pandita


For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

That feeling, you can only say what it is in Korean - Han

"There is no literal English translation. It's a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet still there's hope." - Bartlet describing Han.


so what would possess me to update a dead blog 3 months later at 530 am?
i dont know dude.

The Happiness Transference Quotient (TM)

[Euphoria - Mehfuz]

zindagi hai dhuan to kya
bujh gayi har subah to kya

The Happiness Quotient Theory OR The proof of 'Love Thy Neightbour'

Hypothesis - If you love one person, then you must love everyone else too.

Lets say you love a person X, or so you claim.
So lets first clarify what it means to love someone.
To start off - lets say you are friends with a person Y.
Then, if something makes Y happy or sad, then it also affects you, at least slightly.
Hence, if winning some prize gives Y a 100 units of happiness, then it is also making you happier by, say, 30 units. You are happy in your friend's happiness. Similarly, if something is making Y sad, it is also making you sadder by 0.3 times his sadness.

So, what i am saying essentially, is that stuff happening to you makes you happier or sadder by a multiple of 1 times its utility value, whereas stuff which causes happiness or sadness to your friends, indirectly causes you happiness or sadness by a multiple of less than 1. Depending on how strong a friend a person is to you, his "Happiness Transference Quotient" (TM) will be closer and closer to 1.

Now, What is Love?

tere hothon ke kisi kone mein
hasi ki tarah, main mehfuz hun
teri aankhon ke chhipe dard mein
aansu ki tarah, main mehfuz hun

If you love someone, truly completely love someone, head over heels, etc. then how much of their happiness and sadness would be transferred to you? 1 times? More than 1 times? How much more? n times? Infinity?

Lets say the number would be greater than one, less than infinity. Or for theoretical purposes, lets say it will be infinity. (Because, any other number would be silly - you are in love if their sadness makes you 3.45 times as depressed or more, otherwise not ... silly)

So, you are in love with someone, X. Now, lets say X is in love with another person, Z. Now, what is your attitude towards Z? What is generally observed is - jealousy, dislike etc stemming from a desire to possess the one you love. You want X just for yourself, s/he should be mine and no one else's. But after a bit of reflection, the attitude generally filters to being something out of this scene from Bruce Almighty -

God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

beasar hai dua to kya
ho gaye hum judaa to kya

Right, this is all fine - wanting the best for the one you love. How is this figuring in my ... er... theory? Well, if the one you love, X, loves someone else, Z, then Z's happiness makes X infinitely happier, thereby making you infinitely happier. Hence, even if treating Z kindly was making you miserable, that misery would be just 1 times the number of units of disutility you feel, whereas something good happening to Z should ideally make you infinitely happier. That is, if you love X, and X, Z.

So, what love is doing is, introducing the infinity factor into the picture. Now, since everybody in the world is bound to be connected with you at n degrees of separation, your actions are always affecting someone who is loved by someone who is loved by somoeone who is loved by someone you love. (its not brilliantly put, but you should get the gist)

Hence, you have to treat everyone the way you would the one you love. i.e. care as much for their happiness, sadness, etc. (including yourself, yes, because even you are somehow connected into this loop) And, that, kids, is what I think 'Love thy Neighbour' means.

raaz gehre hazaaron bepanaah
lafz thehre hazaaron bezubaan

Kay Michaels - A Pilgrim's Life

Ed - Season 2 - Episode 7 - "The New World"

Ed: "You know, Mike, the Pilgrims had the first Thanksgiving, but they didn't actually have a lot to be thankful for, you know. They just pretended they did."
"The pilgrims lived in cold leaky cabinets, food was scarce, they were often attacked by wild animals"

Mike: "... and they wore those ridiculous hats"

Ed: "...thats right...but you know mike, for one day they just went ahead and they had a big meal and they chose to feel good, you know...they didnt let external circumstances dictate whether they were gonna feel thanks... they decided how they were going to feel, and they chose to feel good... how cool is that"

To me, this episode captured the essence of the show. Ed, the character and the show, was, and remains, an inspiration.

Ed: "Carol, pilgrims were amazing people. you know why?"
Carol: "Why"
Ed: "Because their lives sucked. Yet they still gave thanks. Gotta appreciate the sheer will power of that"
Carol: "they had something to be thankful for"
Ed: "do not be fooled Carol. When pilgrims came to the new world, their lives changed for the worse. things got tough."
Carol: "maybe in some ways. but, think of that phrase, "the new world" - they get to shed their past and open a whole new frontier of possibility - that is worth some temporary discomfort."

This episode includes the fictional book - 'A Pilgrim's Life' written by a fictional author Kay Michaels - this is not publicised in the show, its one of those easter eggs sort of a thing that few fans would bother to note. As it turns out, Kay Michaels was the art department coordinator on "Ed".

Ed: "We can be like the pilgrims, we can choose to be happy"

and, the thing is... the truth of the statement is apparent on a moment's reflection. we can choose to be happy. barring a few external extreme circumstances - deaths, great losses etc, most of the ordinary woes of human beings aren't really that profound. we can overcome them, ignore them, choose to be happy. yet we choose not to. we choose to give the knucklehead stuff the importance it does not deserve. vanity, egotism, self absorbed self-pity and similar crap consumes us. why is that?

Ed: "One frosty morning in England, the pilgrims set sail across the Atlantic and discovered a new world. And when they got here they discovered the land to be tough, punishing, took whatever they had just to survive, but these people, they chose to do more than just survive... they chose to live, they chose to lust for life;... instead of just trying to survive through the tough times, these people, they chose to celebrate, dance, laugh, sing, celebrate ... and on thanksgiving day, they threw one momma of a party ... now i know as much as anyone, times are tough - business isn't great; people aren't in a celebratory mood , but we are the backbone of Stuckeyville, and i say we suck it up and we show this town one heck of a good time ... i say we choose to be happy ... and we throw the best darn thanksgiving party that this town has ever seen"

this was the spirit of the show. It was established in Ep 16 - "Live Deliberately" (which along with 'Two Cathedrals' - The West Wing Season 2 Finale, i think is the greatest hour of television ever made). This spirit was also displayed in the episode where Eli describes his everyday struggles of being a cripple. Its Hukam Razai Chalna ... it is accepting the will of God, universe whatever ... it is, as Amitabh Bachchan, in his father's words would put it, - "Dil ka ho to achcha; dil ka na ho to zyada achcha". But, can I do it? It is all well to romanticize the show, build it to divine proportions, but when it would actually come to the living of it - can I be Ed Stevens?

Ed: "Mike, we are pilgrims. The whole town is pilgrims. Just choosing to be happy."
(they see Carol and Dennis laughing together in the sidelines)
Mike: "Come on pilgrim, keep marching. You choose. Be happy."
Ed: "that i do, mike. that i do."

Sorkin.

this is going to be an annoying gush of a post.

[Audioslave - Out of Exile]

when you come down to take me home
send my soul away

its 5 am on some day in the last week of september.
i am about to watch The West Wing, Season 4, Episode 23 - "Twenty Five"

Why is this important to me?
This is now the only thing that Aaron Sorkin has ever written for the screen that i havent seen as yet. It started with A Few Good Men, continued with The American President. By that time I liked him, but wasnt in love with what he wrote till Matthew Perry decided to take up Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Matthew Perry, so i had to watch. But Sorkin was the one who kept me hooked. I loved every second of it, and Studio 60 is considered to be the least best of his works.

Then began the striving to watch other works of the master. I liked Malice, loved Sports Night, and have been worshipping The West Wing for some time now.

4 seasons of Toby, Josh, Sam, Donna, CJ, Charlie, Leo and Bartlet.
4 seasons of walk the talks, quickfire dialogue, witty comebacks, and editing par excellence.

And this is it. Nothing would be left after this episode. I am overdramatic. But Sorkin has been a very important part of my life. There will be the repeat viewings, which have a flavour of their own, but this is a cul-de-sac of sorts.

Aaron Sorkin, sir, you are a screenwriting god, and i shall worship at your altar forever. I thank you for the hundreds of hours of bliss I have felt watching each scene that you have written. Complete satiation.

Alright. Enough gushing. Twenty Five.

love affair

4 AM

there was a love affair / in this building
the kind of love affair
that every respectable building must / keep as a legend

She's there - her name stares at me. i stay. sleep has been so scant in the last few days. i stay on.

for one "hey" ... for one meaningless query ... for one "k, me going off to sleep" ... for one meaningless goodbye ... for one more of my faux pas ... i'll stay.

and its contagious / and its contagious / and its contagious / and its contagious

Regina Spektor keeps me company. I sit and write. I look at her name. Just as i have looked at her face.

you are my sweetest downfall

she's extremely funny. she's funny, and smart, and beautiful. and i cant stop thinking about her.

415 AM

i have a love affair with her name.

i sit and stare. its her, and no one else. says she's talking to someone. i ask her, "me?" , and add a smiley to imply that i'm just kidding. "aawww", she retorts, displacing me off of my feet, both with charm and a disquieting sense of my inner intentions having been discovered so effortlessly.
i make a hasty exit.

420 AM

i will wait.
in vain hope.
i will wait. in the faint chance that she'll be kind enough to drop a nicety as she leaves.
"you havent slept well in days" - dont care
"class at 9 tmrw" - shut up
"she doesnt care" - ... ... i know

she is very friendly with others. she kids around. she plays, she breaks my heart. oh, for a kidding pat and a laugh ... a mischievous shove ... a wink and a smile ... a sense of ... acceptance

"Busy"
reads her status.
"Available" would have meant the same thing, but would have looked less ominous, less depressing.

I had a dream / Crispy Crispy Benjamin Franklin came over / and baby sat all four of my kids

She......

427 AM

Sleep climbs on me. But she is my sleep disorder. i wonder if she has an inkling. the thought is delicious, but i'm also unsure of whether i want her to know or not. of course i do, but not at the cost of these minor-est of minor moments.

the vain hope
she will say one goodbye
offer one laugh
make one crack about my irregular times
have one tiny connection...

432 AM

eyes are droopy
things are really hazier
judgement must not be impaired

Lacrimosaaa....................



spare me / god in mercy



the typing is becoming incoherent increasingly.... harder to keep my eyes open


438 AM

hard to even keep my eyes open. cant concentrate on ... the songs .... or whats going on...

i hear in my mind / all of these voices
i hear in my mind / all of these words


and it breaks my heart / and it breaks my heart

452 AM

she left.

people are just people / people are just people /
the world is everlasting / its coming and its going

no goodbyes
no "cya"s

supppose i never ever met you...

I want more of this, more 1876

[tum bas tum - wbhh2]

the day is spent in going through the motions. leading a life on auto-pilot. stimuli hit me and i react as a sleep-walker. if i lived the day a million times over, i'd react the same everytime. my reactions are programmed. my thoughts are the same.

[alvida - life in a metro]

things happen, life passes me by, am i more of an observer than an active participant in my life? rude, selfish responses or contrived fake smiles, whatever i choose, remorse always follows. remorse, which is both comfortable and disquieting in its temporariness. i'm not good with people. i have learned to live with it. there are social difficulties. mere interaction is work. i have learned to keep moving.

"life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes" - Leopold tells Kate - i listen, aware that it is supposed to be a commentary on how we have stopped to pause and appreciate things, as we have evolved into a more efficient ant colony.

[chaha bhanwar trishna - sarkar raj]

the day ends. i am with my laptop, conversations, music and readings. blogs, thoughts, banter.

[you're missing - bruce springsteen] - this is the first time i'm listening to this song. as i type this, i wish this becomes one of those songs that grows on you. woody allen once said that he would give his right arm / a huge sum / something; - to listen to (some classical music piece) again for the first time.

the day ends. i sit in the dark. today, i am lucky and the tasks are behind me, or i can afford to put them off for the night. i sit. i explore. i like it. i want more of this, more solitude, more peace - less fake smiles on tv - hate the guests / hosts on talent competitions who laugh and smile without reason.

[Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers]

"judge not lest ye be judged" tells the bible... and aaron sorkin. i discuss with a friend about the politics and power struggle in our college. i lay judgements on them, and ask him to help me put a stop to their 'evil deeds'.

[kaisi hai yeh rut - dil chahta hai]

fuck moral superiority. fuck judging others. fuck caring about others' judgements.


Music.
"Lose yourself in the music, the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. "
music can be wonderful. we want to own things. to stamp our ownership. our right of possession. i love that girl. i want her to be mine. i want her to be mine, and no one else's. i want her to be in my control. i want to own her.

[tadap tadap - HDDCS]

not music. not music. i dont want to own music. i dont want to keep it just for myself. i want the world to have it, along with me. along with me, i want the world to appreciate it. the song i like, i want the world to appreciate it as much as i do. to feel the profoundness of the subtle intricacy of a moment in the song that maybe no one else noticed. a deliberate change in pitch, a subtle background instrument, a suddenly high tenor.

"gum ke khazaane milte hain phir, milti hain tanhayian / kabhi aansu kabhi aahein kabhi shikve kabhi naale, tera chehra nazar aaye / tera chehra nazar aaye "

love.
unrequited, the only form i know it in. i still miss those times when 'tera chehra nazar aaye' was true for me, and the force of love, enhanced by only fleeting encounters of the beloved, made me want to scream her name at the top of my voice.

[HDDCS - HDDCS]

"Marriage is the promise of eternal love. As a man of honor I cannot promise eternally what I've never felt momentarily", says Leopold.

[ankhon ki gustakhiyan - HDDCS]

its 3.40 AM - i'll stay awake for some more time still. aware, of course i am, of the workload of the coming week. i'll stay awake, still. i'll write. i'll think. i dont do that often enough. i miss it. i want more of this, more stream of consciousness, more randomness, more small surprises - like when you dont expect a song to work for you, but it does, and how. brilliant, those little moments. praise those artists, distributing these small moments.

[jhonka hawa ka - HDDCS]

"main dekhta hun chhup chhup ke tumko / mehsus karti hogi na"

i wonder if any of the three suspected anything, knew anything, felt anything. your indifference kills me, i wonder if you'll ever know it. i wonder if this knowledge would matter.

[rock on - rock on]

"Sunday is the day before the day I work, so it gets poisoned. I want more of this, more 1876", says Kate.

so do I.

a moral dilemma

june 14, 2.30 am
i travel to and from work in the ever-surprising world of western railways, mumbai. i am the guy wearing the earphones who takes out a pen and a small pad soon as he gets a place to sit. what do i write? well, stuff like this post, general thoughts about my life and the world, and off late i take a line from the song playing in my music player, and construct (or try to) a story around it.

anyways, this is what i wrote yesterday -

The moral dilemma - as i watch beggars with missing limbs, street urchins, rail traveling salesmen and the like - of whether to give or not to give. Do i have the responsibility as the more privileged party in any transaction to sacrifice for the less privileged one? - Do i offer my seat everytime to even a remotely elderly gentleman? Do i buy stuff from these poor kids roaming in the stuffy locals all day when what they deserve is an education? Do i always give some money to every beggar who looks atrophied or has lost a limb? What amount? Enough for one meal? Enough for one month? Do i actively look for people to give charity to, or just to those who come in contact with me? What about the millions of others who are in a far worse condition than i am; in a far worse condition than any human should be; and for what fault but an accident of birth?
[NFAK's 'The Face of Love' plays as i write this]

All this, as i still lament and curse my lot in life. Why wont God give me the girl? Why wont He give me [insert wants of choice here]
[Linkin Park - 'Nobody's Listening']

To ask for all this now feels so utterly selfish when seen in the light of the millions in inhuman plight. yet, a strong feeling of injustice is felt when i look at the more privileged lot.

To come back to the original questions - how much responsibility do i have [Sonu Nigam - 'Yaar Mangiyasi'] to do something for the downtrodden? how much of me should work for them? the foggy answer that comes to me is - all of it. i, indeed most people, would not be able to enjoy leisure if a man with such a bad lot in life as may push him to suicide sits in front of me. Then, how can i do it just he's physically removed from my surroundings? how can i turn a blind eye so easily? ['this is the last song that i will dedicate to you']

A guy has a lakh of rupees that can be spent on a hedonistic vacation or on giving a few random people a small break from the constant misery that is their daily life. What's the right thing to do? [Nishabd - Amitabh Bachchan - 'Rozaana']

The question is - is it wrong to favour my wants over the genuine needs of the poor? and if it is, then that's the end of all plans i ever made; of all role models i ever had.
[Eminem - '8 Mile Rd']

How to decide?
.................................................
I later recall that all this was very much alike to a 'Sports Night' episode where Dan can't decide which charity to patronize. that episode ends beautifully with Dan, hungry as hell, shares his dinner and a game on television with a homeless guy who walks into the building.

All the inspiration that I need

Acres - Walking Next to You
Lyrics

When I feel like I might fall
Underneath the pressure of it all
I think of you, and it's alright

When it's dark beyond the door
and shadows trace my fears across the floor
I look at you, and I see the light

Chorus:
All the inspiration that I need
is when I hear you calling out for me
and I will walk the only road that's true
when I'm walking next to you.

When I feel I'm doing this all wrong
and I jumble broken phrases in a song
you know how to speak through me
When I get tangled up in grief
and the remedies I takenever offer up relief
I talk to you and I am free

All the inspiration to pull me through
is in the smallest hand I've ever held on to.
And I will walk the only road that's true
when I'm walking next to you.

When I feel I can't go on
and it seems a thousand years before the dawn
I reach for you
and you keep me holding on

Chorus


This beautiful song from the 'scrubs' soundtrack popped in the playlist as I was walking back
from work. Zach Braff has had this feature of having worked with the most fabulous music ensembles ever - be it 'Garden State' for which he himself chose the soundtrack or 'Scrubs', which has had consistently great music throughout its 7 seasons till now. (I hope the show goes on forever. Earlier there was news that the studio hasn't picked up the show after the 7th season, but ZB confirmed on the blog that there would be an 8th season, not sure where it would be telecast, though).

Coming back to the song, the lyrics are beautiful, as is the melody. Surprisingly little mention of the song on the web. So much so that i found the lyrics on the 3rd page of the google search. but for the moment, just mull on this with me...

All the inspiration that I need
is when I hear you calling out for me

pay it forward

don't remember how anymore, but landed up at this website today... http://www.helpothers.org/

their idea is for everyone to have a 'random acts of kindness' paradigm. they'll encourage you to do random acts of kindness - to anyone, strangers, people you know, your family, anyone - and if you want to do something kind for anyone and you dont have a clue about what to do - they'll help you out with ideas and stories of RAOKs.

also reminds me of the wonderful Mimi Leder movie - "Pay it Forward" - (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/) - its worth a watch, if you like the above idea or in general if you like 'hopeful' movies. - although i should warn you, its ending is as depressing as 'its a wonderul life' left 15 mins before the ending. (Friends reference)

anyways, back to the website - nice concept - should inspire everyone who's in a comfortable position in his/ her life right now to do some RAOKs - to do your bit for the world, while you are comfortable. but i want to look at this in a slightly depressive angle for now -

people who will be doing these kind acts for strangers, would turn into the same selfish, egocentric people as everyone else soon as they're slightly pushed or if they feel somebody is trying to gain an advantage at their expense - they'll be in a queue and one of those jackasses will try to butt in coz he thinks 'queues are for suckers' - and these kind people will lose it (i dont blame them, but how about being kind to the jackass?) - its easy to be kind to strangers - they dont threaten your well being, your ego-fulfillment.... but real kindness, for my money, would be to not hold a grudge against the colleague who said some unkind words against you; the clerk who was lazy and didnt do your work - just to clarify, i'm not advocating being a pushover - just also think through your 'kindness' cap in the places when life doesn't go easy on you.

my tragedy with the comedy and the hilarity in the tragedy

yesterday was 'katha collage' at prithvi. it was the telling of six short skits, each covering a slightly different shade of comedy. much of it was borderline slapstick, but some of them gave you something to think about if you were inclined to look.
telephone, bhala aadmi, akhaada aur nahaana, the business of education, the blind man, and the interview - these could be the informal titles i could give to the six segments. 'telephone' was a rocking start that instantly got the audience involved. 'bhala aadmi' was some gentle comedy, 'akhaada aur nahana' was one of those 'big' comedies going for the hard laughs - nothing was too slapstick for them to create humour - and the audience loved it. for my money, 'the business of education' was the closest thing to an aaron sorkin show being enacted on stage that i'll probably get to see on an indian stage - and this says more about the kind of content i expect from indian stage artists than the brilliance of this segment of the play. it was great at creating laughter, as were the other two - but they still could be a lot more sorkinized to please me more.

anyway, the tragedy was watching it alone - and this could be understood by someone who may have had the strange experience of watching 'jaane bhi do yaaron' alone - here you'd have a brilliant comedy which would have you in splits and nobody to share it with. you'd yearn to repeat the dialogues to see if they are as funny off your tongue as they were off the actors'. ('draupadi tere akele ki nahi hai, hum sab shareholder hain' from jbdy; or 'what you're saying!!' from the play).

today, was 'antigone' - which till the interval and for some part after that seemed to me the best play i have ever seen. it created that intense, profound, suffocating experience in the first three quarters of the play, that is to lead to the cathartic release upon climax - and i think this is something all great plays and movies in this genre try to do, but so few succed - but somewhere after the interval, even 'antigone' became a confused script and hence the climax, though impressively forewarned and pre-ordained failed to create the impact that was promised.
the hilarity was in the situation itself, and this fact was mentioned and accepted within the play itself. the king, played by naseerudin shah, will order his niece and his daughter in law- to- be (antigone, played by ratna pathak shah), to be hanged because she tried to give a burial to her brother against the orders given by the king, even though the king himself felt it to be disgusting, and even though the other brother, who was given a hero's burial was as much in the wrong. and this would happen even though the king would much rather she live, and she would much rather that she live - and both of them see the absurdity of whats going on - but as the narrator (ben gilani, wonderful) said - this is no melodrama, this is a tragedy - and in a tragedy there is no place for hope - it takes just a little thing to get the ball rolling and then there's no stopping it - everything functions like a well oiled machinery - and the killer is as innocent as the victim he kills. and all you can do in the end is shout - not whimper or complain - but shout. and this is what i thought the climax could have been - instead of the king just accepting the greatest tragedy and shown trying to move on - after a few 'i'm so devastated' expressions - he could have actually shouted at the top of his lungs - what an effect that would have created in a place like prithvi.

others including the always wonderful heeba shah were good too, and of course there was the bevy of beautiful girls to remind me of stuff i dont want to be reminded of.

the outsides portion of the night ended with a visit to juhu, where i think i saw a UFO, but it could also have been just an aeroplane, so i'll keep my mouth shut.

'ismat apa ke naam' or 'birds and the bees, redux'

continuing my series on the motley festival - i went for 'ismat apa ke naam' today - had to really make a dash for it after waking up at 830 pm.
and again, the acts didn't disappoint. heeba shah was good, ratna pathak shah's 'mughali bachcha' or 'ghungat' was funny, but then walked in naseerudin shah and blew away the audience with his depiction of mirza and laajo, the unlikely couple. the audience was swept off their feet, and wanted to applaud at every single joke and insinuation even as it laughed its collective ass off.

the 'play' was really a narration of 3 stories written by ismat chugtai - and as already discussed she was known to write some stuff that would be considered scandalous by the purists. anyhoo, there was this kid, who had come with some lady, presumabnly his mother, and the sexual nature of the jokes made for an interesting situation at this end of the theatre. because, he saw the rest of the audience laughing hard, her mother laughing sheepishly and his own metaphorical hand scratching his metaphorical head. soon, he intuitively knew which intonations and pauses to laugh at, and joined along, irrespective of whether he understood the joke completely or not. now, i know that it can be uncomfortable facing these jokes when you are with your family, especially your mother, or your kids, i guess... but, i think it is good to go through this discomfort from time to time, and more specifically, i think that parents instead of trying very vainly to shelter their kids from this stuff, should let them have some feel of it in the appropriate environment, and let them develop their own thoughts on the matter, starting from the time they don't even understand the thing fully. see, kids are going to receive a lot of mixed signals about so many things as they are growing up - what their parents think is bad or naughty, their peers think is cool. so, the question they face even at a little age is - who are they? and i dare say, that the answer to this one even their parents might struggle to very ripe ages. so, i say, bring them to plays of ismat chugtai, let them experience, with all the other mixed signals, the importance of having a 'broad mind' and letting varied experiences seep in. even if they don't understand it now, they'll get it later, and these half understood experiences will end up playing a vital role in shaping their thoughts as adults. and in the same breath, also take them to spiritual discourses of your choice, from time to time - again, the importance is not to have them adopt a set of beliefs, but removing the roadblock of 'oh, i've never been there/ done that, so why start now' if they were to want to try any of it later.

also, the opposite of this admirable uncomfortable act today, i saw yesterday - or at least i think it was its opposite, i could be wrong - there was this old muslim couple witnessing 'manto ismat hazir hain' and the semi-crudeness of the description of the sexual references was highly uncomfortable for them. and i think they were mulling over the idea of leaving even as the play had barely started. but they sat on, uncomfortably for a good part of the play i think - and i do imagine it would be strange for an old couple who i presume would like all 'shareef' people with a sense of 'sharam' and 'haya' would not ever have talked about sex, to witness that play - but at the end of it, i also saw them leave the play holding hands, and i found myself wondering what was actually their life story - my assumptions about them could be dead right or completely wrong.

anyways, its monday now... and its the start of another work week, and this depresses me more than it should - i guess this means i am in the wrong job - but i shut myself up saying 'its just an internship' - just complete your mba, we'll talk later' - and i know from the inside that it's already too late...


P.S. - you wrote my name, as i was writing yours - in some cultures, this would amount to marriage, you know.